to arrive

I spent tonight at home finally sorting pictures. I have this feeling now after all the trips that I have been so long on the road that every place feels like home a bit where I met people who I liked. And I would like to go back and be at all those places again at the same time. I have flashbacks of conversations, people, lakes, buildings, mountains, faces..Regarding photography lately I had only time to empty my phone and memory card quickly and post every now and then on insta or facebook. 

I have lot of photos on my computer and what is even more important I had great experiences and had some funny realizations. For example I learned that I can actually tolerate warm weather to a certain extent quite well and that I can survive with much less online time as I have been used to before. But probably what I learned mostly from these trips was that I don`t have to choose. I like both the calmness of the Nordics and the buzz of the South. I like minimal and ancient and historical. And I like offline and online. 

I am happy to be home again and take time to sort all the photos I took on the way and tell stories through them later to myself and to others. It felt also good to be outside in the real world. To interact with people, have complex experiences and deal with things and opinions what I did not necessarily liked. It made me realize again what a valuable currency time is. And that our biggest asset is that we have the ability to live a life what brings us a bit nearer to the answers for the questions we have.

I will have one more trip this week before I can settle down a bit again but from now on I will start to publish photos and write here more often again. I hope, you all had a great spring!

Connected (to nature)

PHOTOS AND WRITING BY MONIKA CSAPO

Now that the leaves have fallen the forest shows an other face again. It is not an ugly face either though. When I was walking here at the weekend I wondered why I stopped coming here last autumn and returned only in the middle of winter when there was already snow. No matter in which season we are in, the forest is always full of life. This one here is for example full of squirrels and birds. Once I have seen also a woodpecker from pretty close. During my walks or photo tours in the forest there has been always something new to see and while I am impressed by the beauty surrounding me it makes me also think of how many beautiful places there are on the Earth in general. Nature is so inspiring with all its colors and shapes. To being able to record and share these experiences has been one of the reasons why I started to take photos. I am very thankful that during the last year when I decided to start to take my photography studies more seriously I have met great people who inspired me and gave great tips about new things to learn or new territories to discover. I think every human being needs a feeling of belonging and through sharing what we like and being able to be part of a community where people value the same things what we do is an awesome feeling. I have said it also here couple of times: finding beauty and sharing it with others is also my own way of rebellion against all the bad what happens in and around us.There are many things what we unfortunately can not influence but we can always decide to try to see the good and find peace.

Night meditations, testing, photography love. Hakaniemi/Helsinki

PHOTOS AND ARTICLE BY MONIKA CSAPO

I have been away for a while now. Sometimes it is better to stop and think a bit than just shoot all the time- at least I like to progress this way. Some days ago I finally got two new ND filters (Hoya ND4 and Hoya ND8). Before that I have been reading reviews about ND filters and ND grads for almost two weeks. I do not enjoy to read reviews at all- especially because too many choices have always caused me a headache but sometimes it is inevitable if you want to buy new gear and do not study photography at a photography school but by yourself.

Besides this I have been watching a lot of Finnish music videos (mostly those of Balansia Films) lately and I have to say that I am amazed by the creative possibilities what shooting a music video can offer. There is a lot to learn from it also as a photographer from analyzing camera angles through how to build a story line to studying color design.

But back to the NDs. Of course I could not stand not to try them the same day I bought them. I went to Hakaniemi in the evening when I finally had some free time and I found this spot by random in the harbor.

Although I am very tired now again but shortly I can summarize how it felt to be there and try the filters: it felt f. awesome!! I was so happy as I saw the pics because I realized the new creative possibilities what this technique brings with itself. I really liked the harbor with the boats after sunset and I plan to go back there to hunt down some details I sketched during my first visit.

The harbor was otherwise a very peaceful place to test the filters. There were some people walking their dogs but mostly they were far away. Only once some guys walked by and asked me what I am taking pics of. At the end also a very cute dog stopped next to me and did not leave until I petted him. That was a good closure of the night. I have been really happy since then because when I was testing I felt that it is worth to invest time, read and learn new techniques because it really opens up new creative possibilities. I already have my next plan what I wan to learn parallel to this technique but let`s keep that as a secret still for a little while.

A letter to B

Soon it will be 10 years ago that our roads parted. We were at the university, and after the times when our group was partying all the time together you joined an other group of friends and were not in contact with us that much any more. We heard about you again when we got the news about your funeral right at the beginning of the exam period. You fell from the window after a party and died.

The funniest memory of our friendship is when I had a crush on one of our friends who appeared with his girlfriend that time at one of the freshers excursions and when you saw how upset I got you asked me "if you should beat down the bitch for me". I still have to laugh every time when I remember this, because you were such a kind person and would have never done anything like this. But exactly because of this this emphatic sentence sounded so kind from your mouth.

As life went on many things happened, and sometimes I remembered you, and I was thinking of it what would I tell you how I think life is if I could ever see you again.

I remembered you again some months ago when I read an interview where an actress who turned 30 said that she does not worry about age. She said she is happy that she had the chance to turn 30, because there are people who actually can not live that long at all.


Couple of things what I can tell you about the times since you left:

My so called adulthood started with a horrible morning when you were also there still with us. I just moved to Budapest and wanted to visit my grandparents during first week at the uni. I woke up because Dad was calling. I started to say that "Sorry Dad, we had a party the night before, but I will start to go soon." , when he told me that my grandma died suddenly "just so" the night before.

It took me weeks to be able to cry, because the pain went so deep that I was in a shock and I just dealt with it as a fact for a long time, as if it would be a news in the newspaper.

...

Then I moved to Finland and the Erasmus was amazing. I have never felt so free in my life before for such a long period of time. I was biking in the beautiful forests, swimming in the lake in October after sauna, made many friends from all over the world. We went for a walk at 2 am to the forest with a flash light in the middle of the winter and played poker with beans. I felt so that I can be whoever I want to be and that the rules of others do not apply to me. I can live as I want until I do not hurt others, and do not break promises and obligations I committed to keep. I looked at people from outside, while i still liked them a lot, and by doing so I also understood my own fears and wishes better.

...

The third story is more about a feeling in general. My grandfather used to tell repeatedly a story about how to escape from a whirl. He was caught by a whirl once in his childhood and he liked to explain that the trick was that when a whirl catches you, you should not move. Most of the people try to escape too fast which kills them in the end, because they get exhausted and drawn. But if you wait patiently a bit, the whirl will throw you out just as it was catching you.
He also told stories about one wild horse in the army what no one could ride, and he managed to break in. And also about the war when he was face to face with the enemy, and he saw only a boy just like himself when looking at him, and instead of killing him he let him go.

In the everyday I get up day after day, and I search for a life with a meaning. In this time since we parted I had many answers for the question. And always when I thought I found the answer something happened, and I had to search for an other answer again. Probably there might be people who take this game really seriously with all the fame and success and the shine. But I think so that most of us aim for two things. The one is inner stability which governs our life to the tasks we have to do. And the other is that when we look to the mirror in the morning we wish to see see in our eyes that everything is all right, and we are happy.

You would not think how easy it is to get lost in this so called adult life from time to time. And our life is full of trade off-s. We always look to the next week, the next month, the next year, but yet inner peace is so hard to achieve. And if we finally find it, it is so easy to loose.

But I tell you also one nice story at the end. Two years ago when I took the language exam in Hanko, I got lost and hence I took the wrong road by the sea. It was snowing the night before which was very atypical for that time of the year. There was also a lighthouse opposite the shore, and as the sun was rising the red lighthouse was shining almost orange in between the houses. There was no one else besides me and that moment when I was standing there on the shore watching the sunrise over the sea was one of the most magical moments of my life.

Sometimes when I think of you and I have a bad day, I feel guilty. But mostly I remember you looking at me cheering me up with that one stupid sentence, and I start to laugh. I think you just knew  it so well what to say in that moment when I needed it the most, and that was so great :)!

Magic

“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.” 
― Roald Dahl


Oh dear..It has been busy times again..

I had some bacterial infection on my left eye from the contact lenses. My last check up at the hospital will be this Friday. If everything goes well I can go to the gym, wear make up and wear my contact lenses again..

Because now this is how my life has been: NO gym, NO make up, NO contact lenses!!!

In addition I forgot my laptop on the metro yesterday..I can still recall how i felt when I saw the metro car leaving my station with my laptop in it...I was paralysed from the shock for a sec..

But then miraculously my laptop was found and returned to me!!

The story involves a stranger who stepped to me to help and saved the situation by doing so, the emergency call center- guy at HSL and the security guard. Plus a huge amount of luck and probably the right chain of co-incidences.

Life has been busy, and there were many changes again. I am quite positive about them now, because I can recall that many times when something changed during the last years, life has brought also new people, new interests and new travel destinations to me which I never expected to find and got to like a lot in the end.

You fight, you win.

In a world where everyone can have an iPhone 5 or an iWatch, it is hard to differentiate between social classes. Although there are still big differences behind the cover. Some people buy these items like others going to the shop to buy grocery, others pay it in detail or even take the loan to buy them (which i consider personally as a very stupid choice).

Travelling became a trend too, but it is a slightly different feeling if you pay your flight tickets and the accomodation  from your own salary, or someone else is paying for it and you travel only to kill the boring days somehow.

In the world of online reflections we live in this net of fake holograms. Photoshopped smiling selfies, happy faces everywhere, everyone travelling, eating good food and having FUN.

Thanks god there is something what money can not buy, and what can not be faked, and can only be earned through real work. It is the process of trying to achieve something, to really become someone, having a personality, and trying to be loyal to the people who are loyal to us.

“I wear the chain I forged in life....I made it link by link, and yard by yard; I girded it on of my own free will, and of my own free will I wore it.”― Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.” 
― Oscar Wilde


I discovered lately the pleasure of learning new things again. Now I am thinking what I should learn next! I encourage all of you to learn something new, no matter how small thing it is. It can be learning some words in Italian just for fun to be able to ask a cappucino in Florence the next time in Italian - if you like Florence, drink cappuccino, and want to ask it in Italian at all of course.. Or it can be going to a course for jewellery making, or enrolling for a combat course.

Not only things of financial value, or strictly rational choices are choices worth to make. After all everything what makes one happy can be seen as the best investment in the world.

Our attention shifts and can be disturbed so easily. But what is the more difficult, that it is not the attention only towards visible or superficial things which might get disturbed. When the inner focus gets broke it lasts much longer to get out of this state. Days, months, sometimes years pass in a choma-like state still living the afterlife of dead things.

Better to wake up each morning by saying "Today is a new day. It can be a good day, or a shitty one, but it can be the first day of starting something new anyways." Sometimes we think of remembrance as a moral obligation, but if we want, actually we do not have to remember anything. We have the right to forget whatever we want to.

We have the right to create ourselves and our lives as an artwork made by us, mainly for the sake of entertaining ouselves by doing so. It is not an artwork to be presented to others, it is one on which only we can put a price tag on, and think about what shape it should take.

Let go

It is funny to look at our past selves by watching others from outside doing the same mistake what we did. It is a good feeling to learn and realize how much we could be fooled and got used by others who used our own pride and arrogance against us.

Things which are meant to be, will find us anyways. And others sometimes we just have to

let go.

Friends

Two friends are having birthday this week. I enjoy these times a lot when I can think about surprises and presents. Maya Angelou said something like that that people might forget many things about you, but they will always remember how you made them feel.

I believe in the power of friendship more than that of sensuality, or romantic love. There is nothing bad with those emotions either, but what I have experienced so far was that while those things might change with time, real friendships endure a lot. Sometimes they are cut off for years, and continue just as strong as before, or even stronger. I think those relationships last long which contain this element of strong friendship as well, not just affection.

Nowadays no matter where I go, there will be always friends who are not at the same place where I am. May be also because of this being able to give something what makes the other person happy is such a great feeling for me.

Noise-reduction

Photo by Monika Csapo

"Elegance is refusal."

- Coco Chanel

It would be nice to go to Hanko again, but also the seaside in Helsinki is a great place in the summer. There is a park called Kaivopuisto where you can sit on the rocks and look the boats pass by- it is one of our favorite spots with my friends.

We went here also last weekend, and had a great relax time. I could feel the contrast later a lot.

May be stress is also related to wrong focus and tiredness togeher. We have all so much noise in our lives, unnecessary stuff with no importance still stealing the energy from good thins.
I guess it is more relevant for women, but for example collecting information about people who you don`t like is total waste of time, or thinking of things what should/could have happened instead of focusing actual happenings of the present.

If one gets carried away with the flow of negative thoughts, it is easy to see the bad part much stronger, and the good part as almost insignificant.

I think also the environment matters a lot. We should position ourselves like that that possibly we are surrounded by people who make us feel good, and inspire us.

I decided to cut short my tiredness-wave and focus on planning the summer more. Did some shopping, and contacted some people who can help me out with the studio photography things i want to learn during the summer. Good things come when one can be in peace and concentrate on what matters. Which seems hard, but basically is just a decision to say yes to the things which benefit us, and no for those which don`t.

I wrote some points as the start for the summer-refresh

• Just as random bad can happen, also random luck happens all the time.
• Certain capabilities and experience are gained for ever and can not be taken away from us even in the hardest times.
• Our reaction to certain situations is our own choice.
• We have the right to create our mental environment: things we think about, what we believe in, what we pay attention to.
• Law of attraction: when we push ourselves to be thankful for small things, after a while our attitude might change, and we can create more favorable conditions for ourselves overall.

Offline

I went for a walk today by the sea, and left my phone at home on purpose. It was a good feeling. First it felt a bit strange, but then it was quite natural. I think I will do it more often in the future.

I like to jog, walk or sit by the sea, and watch the people without any prejudices, not thinking anything particular. I also enjoy watching the clouds, the sea birds, and the dogs walking by. In nature everything has its place and pace.

Just as much as I like to talk sometimes, I appreciate also the silence. In the absence of words, and at the absence of the possibility that something gets misunderstood, or misinterpreted, everything feels so true and enough.

About storms in general

“Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That's the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

An you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You'll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about.” 
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore



In my case at this point there are no bigger storms going on. Besides the normal everyday trouble of course.. A broken window, searching for a new flat..not hearing the alarm clock in the morning and oversleeping..

I am doing lots of things at the same time nowadays. I really started to make the Florence-plan now. As far as I saw the main sights are pretty close to each other, so I might manage to see many of them during my stay. I found really nice blogs rating cafes and restaurants in Florence. They were documenting the dishes with photos...I have to walk a lot if I will try all those nice dishes during my stay!!

I haven`t been taking photos since couple of days lately, but it is ok for me. Sometimes I need to rest and not to think about it what should I take photos of. I feel anyways that I reached a turning point again. I can use the camera well already in certain situations, but to get to the next level I have to be more conscious about photo location, models, make up, lighting in order to express my thoughts better through photography.

I don`t want to feel like that that any part of my life is a struggle. And I don`t want to do certain things to please others. It is dangerous also with the photography if one has the feeling that he has to "deliver" certain amount of photos a week, or follow a certain style. 
 Most of the frustration about photography is connected to this part in me when I am fed up with things. Then I make a break, new ideas arise, and when I feel like taking photos again, I continue.

Thanks god nowadays these are the biggest crises in my life, and I am very thankful for it.

Human trafficking awareness

Definition: Human trafficking is the trade in humans, most commonly for the purpose of sexual slavery, forced labor or for the extraction of organs or tissues, including surrogacy and ova removal. Trafficking is a lucrative industry, representing an estimated $32 billion per year in international trade, compared to the estimated annual $650 billion for all illegal international trade circa 2010.

A report about trafficking in human beings in Europe: http://ec.europa.eu/dgs/home-affairs/what-is-new/news/news/2013/docs/20130415_thb_stats_report_en.pdf

Lilja 4 ever (2002)

IMDb-rating: 7.8

Lilja is 16 years old. Her only friend is the young boy Volodja. They live in Estonia, fantasizing about a better life. One day, Lilja falls in love with Andrej. He is going to Sweden, and invites Lilja to come along and start a new life.

Director:

 Lukas Moodysson

Writer:

 Lukas Moodysson

Stars:

 Oksana Akinshina, Artyom Bogucharskiy, Pavel Ponomaryov 

here is the full movie in Russian with Hungarian subtitles: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFkYjUctCkc

Brings me forward, pulls me back

Nature
Water
mediocracy
everyday rules
habits
Silence
social pressure
Forest
Train trip through the Finnish landscape
Sea
Dreaming
Individualism
Heart
Sleeping
Airports
fear 
stupidity
Hugs
Self-Expression
Courage
Freedom

Not to talk, when you have so much to say. Smile instead of criticizing. Accept instead of fighting it. Achieve silently rather than reporting every small success. Reach peace by yourself, not approved and fed by others.

Yes.

"I believe in you

I believe in all the things that you do

I believe in you

I believe"

Cambodia mind wave

I saw a program today where a Finnish TV-journalist said that he saw in Cambodia that the parents are selling 6 years old (!!!!) virgin girls for brothels in the rural areas. After 2 weeks of "usage" their price drops to 2 USD/session. They are never getting out of the circle, because they have the "accommodation" and food accounted as debt, the cost of future abortions etc. 

When I hear something like this, I get always so frustrated and angry. It is such a privilege to be born in a Western country..
Sometimes our argument why not to help people in less rich countries is that everyone should help where he or she is, because there are enough problems also "at home".

I don`t think so. It is already a big advantage to be born in a more rich country with better social system where people have more chance for a normal life. But some systems are so f-cked up that even if you are normal and want to lead a normal life, it takes much bigger effort to do it than in a Western country. Not to speak about those children who are born to poor families living in slums or poor rural areas. They do not have the same chance as someone born in a middle class family in Finland, Hungary or Germany for sure..

If we are educated and have money, we can not change the world, but with our money sometimes we can change the life of certain individuals through mostly civil initiatives in those countries. Through supporting people who want to build schools, networks for micro-loans for family-entrepreneurs, non-profit initiatives for informing people about proper sexual protection etc. I believe, that if we want, we find a way. And if we can, we should.

Diary of an Escaped Sex Slave: Child Prostitution in Cambodia http://www.marieclaire.com/world-reports/news/diary-escaped-sex-slave

An Organization helping for victims to escape and recover supported by many celebrities: http://www.somaly.org/


I bought one necklace like this from their shop. If you like fashion and design, you can connect shop here for a good cause: http://www.empowermentstore.org/

Shopping from the Empowerment Store provides the critical funds that allow the Somaly Mam Foundation to support survivor rescue, shelter, recovery, and empowerment.

A horrible day

Today I had a horrible day. I quit the painkillers in the morning, because I misinterpreted the numbing symptom for the symptoms of recovery. In the morning I was still managing, but after lunch all I could feel was the waves of pain crossing my foot and my whole body got stressed and sick again. It was 8 hours and 3 pieces of  1000 mg painkillers later that I could feel a bit better, but I am totally exhausted now.

Maybe it is also in other fields of life like this. We numb ourselves with our everyday-painkillers. Alcohol, drugs, parties, sex..money, work, friends, hobbies. We think we are ok, and go on as before, or even with higher speed after we got seriously hurt. Just the same as in case of physical pain, when it crosses certain limit, we do not sense anything any more. It is all for survival, we do not feel, so we can concentrate on the practical tasks to save ourselves.

Then we take our painkillers and believe in fast healing. But when we stop for a moment and forget to numb our senses,we realize that for some reason the pain from the previous trauma is still there, may be even stronger as before.

What is our real current state after we got broke once? If we did not have time to grieve, but had to care for our own survival immediately after things fell apart and put all our energies in the survival?
How long does it really take to heal if we always cover the pain and never have time to retreat and heal our wounds?

I got so scared today that I did something very bad to myself in the past 1,5 weeks. It was only couple of mm-s and I should have had a surgery, I really hope, I did not f. it up lately, and the pain will go away and the foot will recover from itself.
About myself and my inner world..I am not sure about it any more either. I do my things, never collapse, but did not have the time lately to think about how I feel. Every day is about tasks and survival, I do not really know what is underneath all. May be it is not time to open the wounds yet.