Tuesday, October 15, 2013

A horrible day

Today I had a horrible day. I quit the painkillers in the morning, because I misinterpreted the numbing symptom for the symptoms of recovery. In the morning I was still managing, but after lunch all I could feel was the waves of pain crossing my foot and my whole body got stressed and sick again. It was 8 hours and 3 pieces of  1000 mg painkillers later that I could feel a bit better, but I am totally exhausted now.

Maybe it is also in other fields of life like this. We numb ourselves with our everyday-painkillers. Alcohol, drugs, parties, sex..money, work, friends, hobbies. We think we are ok, and go on as before, or even with higher speed after we got seriously hurt. Just the same as in case of physical pain, when it crosses certain limit, we do not sense anything any more. It is all for survival, we do not feel, so we can concentrate on the practical tasks to save ourselves.

Then we take our painkillers and believe in fast healing. But when we stop for a moment and forget to numb our senses,we realize that for some reason the pain from the previous trauma is still there, may be even stronger as before.

What is our real current state after we got broke once? If we did not have time to grieve, but had to care for our own survival immediately after things fell apart and put all our energies in the survival?
How long does it really take to heal if we always cover the pain and never have time to retreat and heal our wounds?

I got so scared today that I did something very bad to myself in the past 1,5 weeks. It was only couple of mm-s and I should have had a surgery, I really hope, I did not f. it up lately, and the pain will go away and the foot will recover from itself.
About myself and my inner world..I am not sure about it any more either. I do my things, never collapse, but did not have the time lately to think about how I feel. Every day is about tasks and survival, I do not really know what is underneath all. May be it is not time to open the wounds yet.

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