Believe

When you have to dissemble a flat you used to live in for more than 5 years.. When you have to decide what stays and what goes, it is a bit like dying. Goodbyes hurt, no matter how much you are looking forward to them.

When I was in the high school there were 3 years when each year I lost someone from my family. When I was 16 my Mum`s uncle died who was very close to me. Something like a grandpa and a very good friend. He was very smart, and for his old age he became very peaceful and wise, even though he used to be a real smart ass rebel when he was young. Then my Mum`s mother died suddenly. She got some sort of stroke and my Mum was on the train on the way to her when she got the message.
When I moved to Budapest where my grandparents by my Dad lived, my grandma died suddenly the night before I would have visited them for the first time since I had been living there.


Then time went on and I had 2 serious relationships for all together 8 years. I forgot how it is to loose things and I became very obsessed with the comfort in my life. I thought I know all the answers and was looking down on others a lot who were still searching. I did not understand their decisions and I became very judgmental. I thought that my life is based on an extreme solid ground and it is a result of me being such a good and excellent person.

Well. It was not really so, and lot of things changed.

I am thinking sometimes what is the conclusion of all the things I saw, I lost and what happened to me. I try to express it more through my actions lately than through words.

I try to capture time in the best way possible. When I go to work, I am 100% there in my mind. When I sort photos, I concentrate. I try to give the best of myself to the people who are close to me. At the same time I try to take myself less serious, be a bit more superficial and distant when needed. It might sound controversial, but let me explain. May be sometimes we do not do the best with totally opening up. It might be too early, too much, too straightforward. May be sometimes it is better to wait until other people ask us about what we think, or how we feel. It is all about channeling our message the right way, in the right proportion.

When many things went wrong and ended I was thinking a lot what is left for me to do here. All the people died who were there for me in my childhood. I grew up and we were left there alone with my parents without the places we used to spend our holidays at, without the people who told us stories about where we come from. Without those familiar tastes of the Sunday dinners, the Christmas food..Then I found love and I thought this is my task in life, but it did not work out so well either.

When I lost everything again I tried to focus on work, but I realized that work and money can not give a full meaning to one`s life. There has to be more.

I started to think again. When I am lucky, I still have 50-55 years to live here. Is it a curse or a present? Is it worth to live like that that you always suffer, that you count what you lost, that you are too coward to love, because you are afraid of the pain. That you are too coward to state an opinion, because you are afraid to be criticized? That you do not even start to do anything, because you fear to fail.

And then I decided that I WANT TO live. That I let emotions, and happenings flow through me. That I will not be afraid to be criticized and I want to leave my mark on my environment and on the people who I meet, and I allow them to touch me deeper.

Soon I have to buy the moving boxes and really start to pack. It will be nice to start something new, and I am really looking forward to it.