Transit

Scary as people come and go in my life. Every time I loose someone I feel close to death (death as end of something for good) and this shock makes me alive for days or weeks. Then I slip back to everydays. All the time I have to rebuild things over and over and over again. May be I chose this faith for myself through my personality, or before I was born. Who knows how this game rolls. 

According to the Tibetan Book of the Dead after you died there are several stages you go through and there is a sequence when noticed, you can free yourself of everything and be "light". If you discover this state and let all things go, you will not be reborn any more. Interesting story. I try to practice it when I feel that I am more sensitive or feeling bad. Some masters say that you should seek refuge in the moment. And when I look around and the sun shines and I see a cute dog walking on the street, I really do not see anything bad. 

But after each loss I awake to myself. I stand there and look what is still left of me. Sometimes it is scary to be so close to onself. People try to avoid it by living in relationships and families. Spend lot of time at work, taking drugs, buying all the stuff they fill their homes with. I think there is something brutal in it when you are left there alone with yourself, and every time the cover falls you have to think about what is next, and what kind of life you should choose to live as continuation. It is on one hand a very high level of consciousness, but as all gifts in life, it has a very high price. 

Sometimes what you find even surprises yourself. Tell something what you did not want to think about. Some days ago I saw a guy from behind in the shop who had the same style and look as my exboyfriend did. The person because of whom I moved to Finland. We broke up almost one year ago. He was with a girl. I stood there and I could not move. Then I saw that it was not him thanks god. But the experience was eye-opening. It takes time to realize what it means to loose someone. But it was also a good training. May be it happened on purpose, may be you do not let go 100% until you realize that someone who once meant everything to you will be someone else`s.
I do not regret how my life went, it just touched me very deep to live through this experience. It showed me that I am really on my own now, and that I have to take care of myself alone, because I do not belong to anyone.