I wish I could let go all of the half-done things. To continue free and empty, open for new things to come. With time there are so many untold goodbyes, undone closures. You jump from one state to other because it is natural: the instinct to survive makes you continue but you are never whole because there are always these unfinished lives running parallel to each other deep inside you.
I wish that we would have rituals to grieve and mourn death- natural and also the death of friendships and love. That it would not be required and rescpected to be strong and silent, that instant recoveries would not be celebrated.
With all the not properly ended closures after a while there is no space any more for functioning in a healthy way. I realize it in moments of good times on myself how much harm half-ass goodbyes and quick recoveries have done to me. I am happy and hopeful but still something weighs me down.
I need space in my life for new things to come. I want to use my energy to establish projects I believe in. I want to be free. I want to be capable of being fully myself.
There are things what are eternal. Family, the places you belong to, the core of your personality. But from time to time I think it would be beneficial to do a life meditation and look at all the areas. Like when using a body scrub rub off dead skin cells: non functioning friendships turned into acquaintances, old habits, reflexes what don't serve you any more, exes who want to keep you in the friend zone but are not real friends who you can count on. People who promise things but never keep them.
It does not have to be a brutal explosion. It can be a gentle act like when donating clothes: you can take the past and your past selves what you are not any more, fold them and send away to the universe. With social media in our face 24/7 we forget that it is ok to put down things. You don't have to carry what you are not any longer.
It is not unnatural, it is life. It is called closures and new beginnings.
I want to take a big breath and feel again how it is to be fully happy. Without any pressure in my chest, without the anxiety of everything I couldn't say or did not have the heart to let go of. I believe in the space created through this process. I believe it will be as if when you open a curtain in a dark room and suddenly the sun shines through. "I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become."-Carl Jung
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