Thinking about life

WRITING AND PHOTOS BY MONIKA CSAPO

When I am thinking about life I always end up at these two quite contradictory yet to me equally possible conclusions. One is that it all adds up to something; the people we meet, things we go through, lessons we learn. That there might be a learning curve and also a space for correction. If someone wants to use big words then in this variation I believe in next lives and some sort of evolutionary continuation. Which is not fueled by any sort of reward but exists just in itself as "the nature of the game". The other theory I am thinking about sometimes is that there might be really a final end point when everything vanishes. As I have seen it already in small so many times during my life: people, emotions, places of comfort- things what seem constant and eternal once can turn to nothing slowly or at a very sudden turn. The end is always the same: what existed does not exist any more.

In an interesting way both of these theories evoke the same reaction in me: by hope or rebellion it motivates me to dig deeper, try to be better, calm down and do the best I can.  This week there will be the one year anniversary of the death of one of my best friends. When I think about her I am happy that she had a talent for enjoying life to the fullest. Looking back I am happy that when she finally got a job she deserved she could buy all the classy clothes she wanted. That she could cherish also every small thing so much no matter if it was tasting a new dish on Restaurant Day or laughing at one of my stories saying "Oh my god Monika, you are soo crazy!!". 

In a way in life nothing matters and everything matters at the same time. Sometimes everything seems so messy, other times the same things what caused the mess do not have any power over you any longer. A lot depends on the context too- to know what is important and what is not. But you can not be so f zen all the time. Anniversaries like this bring you back to reality. It is a reality which contains sadness but also appreciation and honesty. Things come to light which are hidden otherwise under the games and failures of everyday. Are you happy? What do you want? Is it important for you to be happy at all? If not what is it what you are looking for in life?