Time passed and we kind of grew up. So many things happened meanwhile. As we started our hopes were high. Our parents made us believe that we can be anyone who we want to be. At the elite universities they made us feel special, smart, simply the best.
Then real life started. We had to apply for jobs, some of us moved to foreign countries where our parents did not have good contacts any more to put us to a nice, silent but well-paying workplace. Even those who stayed at home and were accepted to multinationals thanks to the good degree they had, had to work easily 10-12 hours shifts. Not exactly the life they promised to us. They said that it lasts only for 1-2 years, and all this will look good in the CV. Some of us stayed there still, got some nervous breakdown at the age of 25-26, had heart problems, and almost zero social life from the constant stress.
We had heartaches, we were betrayed, our illusions slowly faded. The power we started with slowed down, our self-image have been smashed to pieces so many times during all these years.
Social scientists try to describe the life we live. They try to fit patterns and nice theories to it. Why our time goes so fast, but still so slowly. Why do we do so much, but still do nothing at all.
We are supposed to live up to 70 or 80. Yet in the second part of our 20`s this feeling of tiredness overcomes us.
How and why to continue comes the question? What is the goal? How can we be happy?
This week again I had a very hard week. I started to work out again, which is nice, but got very sad news from friends which kind of cracked my system a bit. There was a hard break up, a friend in the hospital, an other totally broke down from the stress. And these are not "weak people". The break up of my friend made me look at relationships with different eye again. I kind of know how to play the game, but if I want..I am not so sure. It hurts me when people prostitute love for some boring and fake everyday sh.t, and I can not still really get it how people are able to throw out each other for ever from each others lives when they have spent years together, and simply disappear when the "love" is gone. I hate when people use each other for their games, and these break ups just show that there was no real friendship and human respect in those relationships at all just some animal instinct mixed with some fake romantic cover until the game served the interest of the both people.
I might seem bitter now, but I am not. I am just trying to think how to help all these people around me, and how can it happen that so many bad things happen to people in one week.
With the job it is easy- I really think so that people should do something they really enjoy to do, but not let to be used as slaves, and do things until they burn out. No employee benefits from a worker who gets nervous breakdown and have to be sick leave for months , or medicated for depression.
About the love part: I really think so that the formula is so simple, even people do not want to get it. People who treat us sh.t do not deserve a place in our lives. And even if someone cries and tells you to love you when breaking up, that person is lying to you, because if someone really loves you will never be able to let you go. Many times we love our illusions and when reality starts to show we just simply are not strong enough to face it that the other person was not a bad one, just he or she can not simply be the person we imagined him/her to be.
The biggest problem from all of the ones I listed above is the tiredness/emptiness. We still have so much to live, there are no tragedies but our heart gets empty with the time, even there are people who love us, and everything is ok otherwise.
I am also thinking a lot (probably too much) about how to live a good life, what my mid-term goals should be, if I am doing the right things at all. For now I gave up smoking, started to do sports again, and restricted my goals to 2 things for this year: learning Russian and making a studio portfolio. Sometimes even these two things seem to move so slow..
Lately I made up my mind. If what they say is true, and I still have probably so much to live, I do not want to live so much time as a bitter, sad, tired person. I want to live a good life, and enjoy the beauty around me, help others, and create something good. Of course there is no sense behind all of this either, but it feels still better than stressing about everything, feeling down and loose the chance for an individual life path because others tend to live a different life than the life I want to live. It is such a simple thing, but took me many years to get to the conclusion that actually no one cares, and I can live as I want. Even if people say something, these are just words. They do not have any real power. They do not hit you physically, you do not loose money through them, will not be less pretty, or less smart. If someone is not agreeing about the life you live, it is ok. Not everyone have to follow the same values.
I write these things now, but I am still only learning these things myself too. May be that is why it still effects me so badly when I see my friends suffering, because it reminds me how weak my own balance is still. To show strength to outside is easy. To have real inner strength is something so hard.