Friday, December 6, 2013

All About You

I planned to go to take photos, but the weather is bad, so the answer is again manana (tomorrow). I will read my photo book instead and start to check the things to pack. There is one month left to move out from my previous flat, but I feel so much like packing already!

I was a bit more sensitive lately, all these changes around me make me sometimes sad and happy at the same time. Good friends move away, I am happy for them, but also miss them. And it raises the question in me: am I at home here, or is this place also for me just a transit?

I can say one thing for sure: lately I got very good training to face the monster called "random change".  The broken foot, the goodbyes, the failed projects, the surprise success parallel to it.. Life is not a quiet river now so to say, it is more like the waves of an ever-changing ocean.

I don`t know what life is all about, but I know how I would like to live it. I want to be a happy person who accepts the unchangeable. Who has place in her heart and life for people who want to be there, and is able to receive the love and care from her environment.

My Dad told me that when he was young he often had the feeling of being alone, no matter how many people were surrounding him all the time. It made me scared and surprised at the same time, because I am pretty much the same. I still struggle to connect fully with people, to understand the words they say to me. That our friendship is special, that they love me and I am important to them. Sometimes even when someone is giving a hug, it takes some time that I can really feel it.

Might be that it is just a stupid defense mechanism. But just as in art as in life, you can not do things right if you never feel anything, or do not dare to feel. If I can have a wish for the next year it is to come down to earth from my inner world. To feel more how foods taste, listen to the words what people say to me, and to live more in the heart than in the brain.

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