Wednesday, December 19, 2012


The year is almost over. And I can not stop my brain repeating the same sentence over and over again: I survived!I did it!

In the summer after some quite quick and traumatic change I had to rebuild my whole life from 0 again. Ok, I had the job and the money, but everything what was important to me before was gone. Just couple of days before my summer holidays what I have been waiting for so much the whole year. I had 4 weeks of summer holidays planned and just couple of days before it would have started everything collapsed.

For 1,5 days I was in a shock crying and repeating to myself that this is just a dream and I will wake up, even though I consider myself as a quite smart person but I just could not believe that this is my reality now. Then there was me alone at one of my best friend`s wedding. I remember how I got ready for it: I had to write a list for myself in order to be able to get ready. "Wash your hair. Do your make up. Iron your dress. Put your purse to your bag. Take the gift with you. Call the taxi."

Then after 2 weeks of very strong emotional and physical pain I realized that people who hurt us are not worth of wasting energy on and things started to get better. I closed a chapter, got to know new people. Bought a mirror reflex camera. Started to do sports, went out more to see exhibitions,movies, etc. with my friends. I could concentrate on my job more, because there was less stress around and in me. I got a tattoo. I went to Hanko to do the Finnish language exam. I improved my photography skills a bit and changed my attitude towards myself and life. Also my flat is looking much better now, much more like my own style.

I aimed only to survive, because when I left for summer holidays from Helsinki I was totally confused. I did not know where my place is, who I am, what is going to happen to me. I just had this fear that any time anything can disappear what was important for me and I felt that it is not worth to believe in anything, because no matter how hard I tried I failed. But actually everything got better and my life now is of much higher quality as it was before. I have plans, dreams and hope in the future. I just got the result of the Finnish exam and I got best grade possible in all parts of the exam. The Christmas holiday starts soon and I will finish the year in Berlin. I am very grateful, because during this journey from summer to now I think I became a more self-.critical and genuine person, I have more courage and I am not afraid of things I was before. I threw myself to new challenges and met people who have been inspiring me a lot.

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