Saturday, March 1, 2014

Keep close to you what matters

Last year I had a diving accident. I got a pressure vertigo inside a lake. It was quite interesting experience, because I lost my balance and started to spin around inside the water (or felt so). The bubbles were flying around me towards the surface. At the same time I realized that no one is going to help me to get out, and I had to "get myself together" and slowly come up to the surface.

Now that I am moving again (!), I remembered this when I was thinking about how tiring it can be to make good decisions for yourself all the time, and stay at a constantly high conscious level instead of just floating.

This week I got into a smaller conflict between one principle I sort of started to appreciate and my current feelings. When I moved out from my previous flat, de-cluttering was helping me a lot to feel more free and deciding what is important and what isn`t. Although now that I am moving again, I started to have this feeling that getting rid of stuff was enough for me for a while now and I want to keep the things which are important to me.

On one hand I want to be the person who is happy wherever she is when she has only a bankcard with her with enough money on it and her camera backpack. On the other hand I like my favorite lamp, my black leather chairs, my favorite curtains, because I was choosing them myself, and they became part of my everyday environment.
May be this is why people are shipping furniture when they move from one country to an other. Even it would be cheaper just to sell everything and buy new things over and over again. We can not start over from zero all the time, it is just too tiring. Objects, people, memories get a part of us and our life, and may be there is really nothing so wrong in clinging to certain things, even if it seems ridiculous to other people from outside why we carry a lamp with us from one country to the other.

I was happy for this latest discovery about myself. As much as I want to be strong and free in mind, I also have the constant fear that by freeing myself from attachments all the time I become empty and rootless. No matter how much I de-clutter, from now on there will be boxes travelling with me from flat to flat, full of things I got to love and are important to me. The same with my thoughts and feelings. I could, but I do not want to re-program myself all the time. With age you collect experience, and some things are useful, because they thought you something what you do not have to learn again, and waste time on it.

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