100 days of honesty Day 91: Who am I

PHOTO AND WRITING BY MONIKA CSAPO

Sometimes you have to cheat the brain and sometimes you have to cheat the heart. Just push through when it feels so that you gave all you could and still go on and do a bit more.

There are so many people who I am talking to only in my mind- mostly not the ones who would think of themselves. There will be people who I can never fully forgive but there are some who I have long forgiven they just do not know it because I have never told them.

I am connected to the dead through the people I loved and lost. I am aware of their non-presence and I do not think of them all the time. But sometimes through a word or something I do I realize that now I am so much as well what they were.

I had huge losses what I sometimes forget about. I compare myself to people who never lost anything and I do not understand what makes me so different from them, why are they so different than me until I remember. 

I forgot already half of the things I have achieved. May be it is better so because I always feel the half-emptiness of the now only. That something is missing. That something could be done still until everything is perfect.

I cheat the brain and cheat the heart because I do not want to live on the surface.