Almost one year now. I used to live a life, which I thought will last forever and then it all disappeared. It is always a big shock- I guess also to all the others who lived through something like this- to realize that 1. how fragile our everyday harmony actually is 2. how much replaceable/"missable" items we actually are. Replaceable-irreplaceable..Of course, everyone wants to feel special. As the time went by I started to see more that I am irreplaceable to the people who love me. My best friends, my family, my pet. To the new friends, and people I got to know who I share good memories with. Who care and see something unique in me.
When I take photos, it is something special too, because it is only my eyes in that very exact moment which see what gets reflected on the photos.
There was an other lesson in this story for me: trough the way I lost my value in someone`s life, I learnt to appreciate the people more who I have in my life. I learnt to value each trip I made, each person I met, each story I heard, each smile I shared with others. When I was in trouble I discovered how many people want to help me. That I have to take care of myself, because even if they do not want to talk into my things, it matters to the people a lot who care for me what kind of life I am living.
One year ago before everything broke I was a person who though that she has arrived. I thought I know all the answers, that I know what is right and wrong, and I live a better life than others. I was sometimes arrogant and judgmental. Nowadays I am more open, and see also my own life more like a process not like a task.
When I look at others now, I do not see complete life stories. I see someone in that exact moment I meet him or her, and I like to listen. What happened to me thought me how precious people are to me. That I do not want to give up on people easily. That I want to forgive, and discuss and be less hard on myself, and on others.
But the hardest lesson was to learn that even though you try to fix something sometimes, it is impossible, and you have to accept and let go what is endlessly broken. That is why all friendship and mutual relationship which is working are so valuable to me. Every relationship where two people are involved is a result of a mutual understanding, and that is why it is working, because both parties involved want to make it work.
In this one year I went through a whole scale of emotions from really big pain through success to peace. I can relate to everyone I meet now, and not only the ones who have a nicely accomplished life, where everything is ok and working well. May be this was the biggest achievement of the last year. And of course my camera, and the weight loss haha.